Leo and I said “I love you.” several times a day. Since he could no longer speak he would write it down and hug me. Still I did not say it often enough. Now he is gone and I miss him horribly. My darling Leo died on October 24, at 1:30 A.M. We were all there and were able to tell him we loved him. He heard us and squeezed my hand to let us know he heard. Much too soon he left us. At least he was never in pain that day, although he was frightened. That passed and he was able to have a peaceful death. We however are not at peace, at least I’m not. I need him here! I’m lost without him. I try to keep up a good, brave front but I need him and I can not see him. So many things remind me of him and I cry.
Music has always been a way I processed emotions. Mami did this all the time and it just became natural for me as well. On Oct. 22, I heard ” You Needed Me” by Anne Murray. We loved that song so I sang it to Leo. He smiled and gave me a hug and kiss. The next day he started hemorrhaging. Oct. 24 he died. The last time I sang to him was this song at his wake. Quietly as it was for him alone.
Other songs also affect me– “Time in a Bottle” by Jim Croce. We loved that song so much. We played it over and over. The lyrics spoke to us especially ” But there never seems to be enough time.” I found the one that I want to go through time with, but he’s not here any more. Today I heard “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton. It was so moving. It sums up my feelings so well that tears fell without pause.
I hope I can get past the pain and keep his memory alive in all our hearts. My Leo was a strong man who overcame many difficulties and pain. I hope I can learn his lessons and go on.