Egypt Buff

I am not a fan of cold weather. Born in Puerto Rico makes me genetically predisposed for warmth. But wait, my mom loved the cold.  Might have to rethink this. O.K. as most of my ancestors came from Spain and settled in P.R. 200 years ago so most of my DNA favors warm — not hot– weather. My mom was obviously a throw back to some ancestor from the Pyrenees Mountains.

All that said and done 58 degree temperatures in the middle of January are not right. New York plants need the cold to set flowers and fruit this summer. It just aint natural. The squirrels, chipmunks,  rabbits and birds are still outside and they should be dormant. Climate change is messing us up.

Watch, since I have written  this we will get an enormous blizzard next week.

New Years day has come and gone 2013 has arrived but things are pretty much the same.School resumed, the kids are back in school everyone goes back to their routine.

Traditionally Epiphany closes the season in Latin households, Epiphany was yesterday. Now we take down the Christmas decor we so lovingly and carefully put up. And so it goes.

Have been looking for some important documents for a month today I found them. If not found a trip to my home town in Puerto Rico would be needed.  Now an unnecessary trip has been avoided. I like pleasure trips but this one would have been painful.

To go to P.R. without Leo — too sad to think on. Perhaps  a few months more will make it better. To go alone just now? No, not going to happen.

I’m of the school that wants to get on with it. By that I mean something that needs to be done, but is painful, should be done quickly. I needed to dispose of my Leos’ clothing as it was a constant reminder that he was no longer with us. Also the clothing was of good quality and there are lots of people who need clothes and would benefit from them.

Two months went by and I could not get it done. Finally it’s done. Eight bags of  clothes sent off to veterans groups and to St. Vincent De Paul. All of it clean and in excellent condition.

One quick agonizing rip. Spent a lot of time crying and feeling lost but it needed to be done. My memories don’t really depend on material things. We have all kept one or two items of his for sentiment sake. That’s enough, we have our memories of the finest man ever.

People who have seasonal affective disorder have problems this time of year. Full sunlight is the best medicine for S.A.D.   Yet December is so dark.  The sun goes down so early and rises so late. And of course Christmas is the time for cheer and good will. Not so much for those of us with S.A.D. Add in personal tragedies and you don’t really feel like doing anything other than crying.

How can such evil exist? We know it does but it will always shock us.

Adam Lanza would not  have killed so many if the guns weren’t so available. People, these were legally obtained guns, so don’t give me any criminals etc. bromides about them. There are just too many guns in this country.

The right of the people to bare arms is the last part of that amendment. The first part says – In order to have a well regulated militia.  What part of well regulated do you not get? What militia are these killers part of? And by the way just calling yourself a militia DOES NOT QUALIFY!

“Grandpa can fix anything” that’s what Tommy and Katherine would say after Leo would rescue a broken toy or game. They were in awe of his skill in building, fixing, and making all sorts of things. Toy trains made,  doll houses repaired, bikes fixed, and booboos tended to. He was the one who picked them up at school when they were sick or had a late activity. He was the one who was always there for all of us, all because he loved us. He even made their play-set look new when he repainted it. Yes grandpa could fix anything. Now he is gone and he can’t fix our hearts.

I thought grandchildren would be easier to live with–HA!

It seems that everything is subject to negotiation. Time for your bath, didn’t I say take your bath? Take the bath or I’ll toss you in there myself. Why isn’t the water running? Get in the shower now!

This is now followed by wailing and screeching. And complaints that “Your so mean.” I managed to raise 4 rambunctious boys with less agitation. Mealtimes are no better. Oh well, they’ll be in bed soon.

My youngest child just turned 30 today. It doesn’t seem possible, I mean I remember his birth as if it was yesterday. He gets married next April, O.K. that is reasonable, But that he is thirty is just not. I mean really, he’s my baby! It was great to see him and darling Wendy. Took them out to lunch and had a great time.

And today is the 47th anniversary of our marriage. Happy anniversary my darling, dearest Leo. I miss you my love.

Leo and I said “I love you.” several times a day. Since he could no longer speak he would write it down and hug me. Still I did not say it  often enough. Now he is gone and I miss him horribly. My darling Leo died on October 24, at 1:30 A.M. We were all there and were able to tell him we loved him. He heard us and squeezed my hand to let us know he heard. Much too soon he left us. At least he was never in pain that day, although he was frightened. That passed and he was able to have a peaceful death. We however are not at peace, at least I’m not. I need him here! I’m lost without him. I try to keep up a good, brave front but I need him and I can not see him. So many things remind  me of him and I cry.

Music has always been a way I processed emotions. Mami did this all the time and it just became natural for me as well. On Oct. 22, I heard  ” You Needed Me” by Anne Murray. We loved that song so I sang it to Leo. He smiled and gave me a hug and kiss. The next day he started hemorrhaging. Oct. 24 he died. The last time I sang to him was this song at his wake. Quietly as it was for him alone.

Other songs also affect me– “Time in a Bottle” by Jim Croce. We loved that song so much. We played it over and over. The lyrics spoke to us especially ” But there never seems to be enough time.” I found the one that I want to go through time with, but he’s not here any more.  Today I heard “Tears in Heaven” by Eric Clapton. It was so moving.  It  sums up my feelings so well that tears  fell without pause.

I hope I can get past the pain  and keep his memory alive in all our hearts. My Leo was a strong man who overcame many difficulties and pain. I hope  I can learn his lessons and go on.